The Highest Virtue
by vertejaune
Summary: Quinn Fabray was pretty positive she wasn't straight, and it wasn't even close to being her most terrible secret.
1. Chapter 1

Quinn Fabray was pretty positive she wasn't straight, and it wasn't even close to being her most terrible secret.

Quinn had always been a clever child. She started talking before she could walk, and the school counselors had wanted her to jump 2nd grade. Her parents had been absolutely against the idea, of course- and she didn't even entirely disagree with them, looking back. After all, kids who allowed their "one special thing" to be more important than being normal turned out like Rachel Berry.

So it hadn't taken her very long at all to figure out that Santa Claus was just not something that could be real. Quinn remembered confronting her mother about it sometime when she was in kindergarten, and her mother had been honest in return. It really wouldn't have been particularly memorable at all, because the news wasn't devastating to Quinn in the least. Little Quinn was pretty sure she was right… she just had to wait until she was confident enough to ask her mother. The reason that night was forever etched into Quinn's memory was because of what happened next. After getting confirmation about Santa, Quinn had moved on to asking, "And God, too, right?"

Needless to say, her mother hadn't reacted well. Her face had gone white, and after making sure Quinn's father was nowhere in the vicinity she had hissed, "Of course God is real. God is the most real thing in your life. He is the reason we love you, and the reason you exist. Don't ever say anything like that again. Not to me, and never to your father."

Probably Judy hadn't meant it to sound like it did, exactly. But the lesson went home. Quinn Fabray was very aware that the only reason her parents loved her was because of God. So even if religion never felt "real" to her, she knew better than to ever mention it again. She went through some phases, mostly as a pre-teen, when she tried everything she could to try and feel God's presence. After all, religion was incredibly important in the lives of so many people- smart people, dumb people, good people, bad people- surely they couldn't all be wrong. Surely there was a way for her to access whatever it was she was missing. By the time she entered high school, though, she'd largely gotten over it. Not believing in God made church feel pretty pointless, but it didn't actually change anything. Just because it wasn't inside of her didn't mean it couldn't be her outsides, and that was all the world would ever know about anyways.

By the time she hit puberty, Quinn Fabray was used to living her life by choosing what sort of person she wanted to appear to be and acting it out. So even though she didn't feel any personal desire to date Finn Hudson, she did it anyways, because he was the quarterback of the football team. He was good-looking, he was popular, and those were the most important criteria. Of course, after graduation she would have to find someone more intelligent, someone that could hold down a better job, but for now he was exactly what needed to fill the role of boyfriend.

And Quinn did a really, really good job of keeping everything perfectly under control, except when she didn't. Most of the time was daytime, and things were perfectly clear, during the day. It was easy to keep herself grounded in the real world, in the concerns of her day-to-day life. But occasionally she would be taken by bouts of melancholia- mostly at night, and usually after reading something that made her think a bit too much. Quinn had a wild suspicion that deep down, she was the most breakable person on Earth- that she was only one honest hour away from insanity.

So she tried to keep a lid on her crazy, and when it got too close to the surface she usually exercised. Running was cathartic- something about the feeling of pushing herself to her physical limits allowed her to access the thoughts and pain that usually made her skin crawl, made everything feel more clear and manageable, and at the end she would pass out. Problem solved, or at least pushed back a bit.

The night with Puck was a mistake. Quinn should have just followed her usual pattern, but she'd been feeling even more frantic than usual. It wasn't Finn, he was the world's most manageable puppy dog. And her position on the Cheerios was totally secure. But she'd read a poem in English class and it had stuck inside her all day. It felt like the words were crawling around in her skin, little remembered phrases that seemed like they could overwhelm her out of nowhere with just how much meaning was locked up inside them.

And Quinn just wanted to get away from it. It was funny- she could admit to herself that she was desperately afraid to let herself feel anything for real, as long as she didn't really process it. She largely attributed this to a defense mechanism left over from childhood. It was rather useful, because she could be nominally honest, at least in her own head, as long as she didn't let herself feel the consequences of that honesty. She had a sneaking suspicion that one day her mental fortifications would fail and she would be totally debilitated from everything she was letting build up, but fortunately this realization fell under the same provisions as the rest, and she swept it right under the rug.

The night with Puck was pretty much the deal-sealer on the "not attracted to boys" front. Quinn hadn't been that worried about not being into Finn- after all, he was more like semi-interactive decorative furniture. And so what if she didn't really have any visceral reaction to guys she did find attractive- the media exaggerated all of that anyways, and she did think plenty of people were cute- she even thought Puck was cute. But sleeping with him was a bit more traumatic than she'd expected. It wasn't like she'd expected to enjoy it. At the time, she hadn't really felt much one way or the other, besides drunk. It was fine- not an enjoyable activity, but not so horrible that she'd told him to stop.

It was the next day that made her realize. When she first woke up, the memory had all but made her sick. It wasn't even guilt, exactly- at least not guilt about Finn. She just knew it was a mistake, and it made her sick to her stomach. There was a smell- some kind of "boy" smell, and she caught it in the hallway the next day and nearly retched. It wasn't even a sex smell, nor cologne, it just reminded her and it made her feel awful inside.

And that was about when Quinn Fabray realized that she wasn't ever really going to enjoy having sex with guys. But that would be okay. Quinn was pretty used to pretending to feel things. She could learn to get over her aversion to sex, when she got married. It would be like believing in God. She knew she didn't really have those feelings, but nobody else would know. It wouldn't be that bad to pretend for a few hours a week, and it's not like there was anything to be gained by being honest about it.

Quinn Fabray had a very functional life philosophy. She'd never be happy, but as long as she distracted herself from wanting to be for the next 70 years, everything would work out fine. She rather thought she might catch on to her own sneaky plan in her 50's or so, but that would be okay because it would be too late to change. Everything was shaping up exactly as expected when she met Rachel Berry and joined Glee Club, and then it all went to hell.

**AN-** I'm not a writer of any kind, but Quinn Fabray has always struck me as being one of the more interesting characters out there- incredibly repressed about absolutely everything. I tried to get in her head and I don't know if it worked- I wanted to try something a little different from what most people do, and I felt like having Quinn actually be not religious at all makes a lot of sense.

But yeah, I'd appreciate your thoughts- I dunno if it would be worth it to explore the whole Quinn and Rachel thing- because I could honestly see Quinn as asexual, too- or I could let this be, or I could delete it and leave the Internet forever. Really, I'm curious, and super hard to offend. If it's bad, then telling me it's bad can only add to my knowledge about the world, it does nothing to change the state of the world. I'm a major proponent of more knowledge.


	2. Chapter 2

Santana Lopez gave a small internal sigh as she closed down Angry Birds on her phone after once again being unable to beat the high score Puck had left on there the last time he "accidentally" mistook it for his own phone. She had checked the internet semi-thoroughly (by looking through three-quarters of a page of Google search results) to find out if there was a way to cheat and just make it look like she had gotten a higher score, but apparently her only way out was to delete the game and reinstall it. And Puck would definitely notice that and throw it back in her face.

Oh well. She would practice later. Santana glanced around the room. Schue was late again, and Rachel was apparently taking the opportunity to try and unite the room under her own banner and stage a coup to replace all their choices for the upcoming competition.

"…which is why I believe that it would be in the best interest of the club for me to perform _Someone Like You_ as the Regionals opening number."

"Hold up, Pygmy," Santana interrupts, "Now I like the idea of replacing whatever boring song Mr. Rodgers has planned this week with some Adele, but I can't stand the thought of your croaking ruining her music for me, so I think this is going to be my solo."

Rachel initially turns to her with a look of mild befuddlement, but before Mercedes can even start complaining about not being considered for the solo Rachel's face clears and she explains, "Oh! Well while I certainly understand and appreciate the proprietary nature of your feelings about Adele, I was not in fact proposing that we choose her new radio hit of the same title. My actual suggestion was that I sing the song from the Tony nominated Broadway musical Jekyll & Hyde.

Santana fights the urge to whip the phone directly into that enthusiastic face and digs her nails into her own palms instead. Rachel, of course, is still going strong. "…because I feel that it perfectly encapsulates the blend of longing, loneliness, and hope that many teens struggle with as they attempt to establish both their own unique sense of self as well as their identity as a romantic partner to a significant other. As many of you know, my own romantic life has been quite turbulent in these past months, and I feel that my experiences will add a degree of passion and authenticity to the performance that will ultimately speak to the judges more convincingly than a generic high energy Top 40 performance."

"Fine." Quinn has joined the conversation, and Santana can't help making a face, because _really_? But Quinn is head Cheerio again and Santana isn't sure what she's playing at, so she doesn't say anything to contradict her.

Rachel, for her part, looks ecstatic, and of course takes it as a sign that everyone is interested in her ideas. "Thank you Quinn- I know we have had our differences in the past, but your willingness to stand behind me in this shows your commitment to the welfare of the Glee Club, which should of course be the primary priority of everyone in this room."

Quinn's face is murderous as she bites back, "Just have it ready for next week and we can reject it then."

Mr. Scheuster returns fairly shortly after that, and the look on Rachel's face as she informs him of these developments is more than enough for Santana to decide she needs to buy two extra slushies today, one for each Azimio and Karofsky.

…

Quinn tries to beat a hasty exit as soon as they're dismissed from school. If Sam never gets the chance to corner her then he won't get a hangdog look on his face when she tells him she has too much homework to hang out. It's not even entirely a lie. She's in AP Chemistry this year, and as interesting as it, is she cannot for the life of her understand molecular orbital theory. It's one of the first times she's really had to struggle like this in her coursework, and it's really frustrating.

Plus, Santana was looking at her during Glee like she had grown an extra head when she took up for Rachel on the issue of that song. Well, Santana didn't need to know that Quinn had actually seen a production of that musical- not on Broadway, of course, just a local production in Columbus once. She had loved the Robert Louis Stevenson book for years, and when she saw a flyer for the performance during a shopping trip with her mom she had held onto it. 2 weeks later Quinn had found herself back in Columbus alone, watching the show. It had been a few months, and she still wasn't sure how she felt about it. But she did want to hear Rachel's version of _Someone Like You_- sung like it was meant to be sung, not like the girl in the show, who gave it a pretty good try but didn't make her feel anything like the Linda Eder versions she looked up on YouTube later.

Even if they didn't take it to Regionals, Quinn just wanted to hear Rachel sing that song. So if Santana pushed the issue, Quinn would just tell her that Quinn was trying some positive reinforcement because for the first time Rachel seemed to be not interested in chasing Quinn's boyfriend. She had been dating Sam now for months- including almost a month where Rachel was single, and so far Rachel has been very respectful.

Probably she's giving Rachel too much credit- maybe Rachel simply isn't attracted to blonds, Quinn thinks. If something like the echo of a pang resounds briefly in the vicinity of her heart, she probably just put too much hot sauce into her Cheerio shake for today.

It's not true. Quinn doesn't like admitting to anyone- not even herself, most of the time, but Rachel just holds her attention. Quinn thinks that maybe it has something to do with how sure of herself Rachel is. She's so passionately grounded in her convictions, her dreams, her ideals- everything about Rachel is just so resilient.

Quinn knows that it sounds like the unhealthiest thing in the world, but sometimes she feels like she just wants to be a barnacle on the S.S. Berry. If she could just stake a tiny bit of herself in Rachel, she could maybe use it as a foothold to climb out of the quicksand that she feels is her own identity. It wasn't even about Rachel specifically- but if anyone in Lima, Ohio knew who he or she was, it was Rachel Berry. Quinn didn't know for sure, obviously- but in her imagination it would be so peaceful to be around someone that self-assured and accepting.

Most days Quinn didn't think like this. Songs were just songs, Rachel Berry was an irritant, and Quinn Fabray didn't feel like have freakouts that made her feel like a pretentious college freshman who had taken philosophy 101 and gotten some scary nightmares.

Forcibly pulling herself out of her daydreaming, Quinn rubs her eyes and tries one more time to read about pi orbital overlap.

…

**AN-** Oh man, dialogue is insanely difficult to write. I did not know that. It all sounds so awkward and stilted to me, but maybe I will get better with time. I also probably need to go back and watch clips more carefully to pick up on how each of them talks. Also, if it's not clear, this fic starts up in Season 2- after the Christmas episode but before the Sue Sylvester Shuffle. Canon from here on out I will basically pick and choose based on what is convenient and works for the story. I'm not done with Cheerio Quinn yet, which is why we're starting here. Also- I'm pretty sure that Santana will not be a lesbian in this story, and there will definitely be no romantic Brittana. Just wanted to be up front about that. Finally, there's a very low quality recording of Lea Michele singing Once Upon A Dream/Someone Like You live at Upright Cabaret, if anyone is interested.

But yeah. Tell me what you think. Please. Preferably in a way that I can use constructively. I feel like the first chapter was a very different narrative style- and I have to figure out what works better or if I need to integrate or swap back and forth or what.


End file.
